My ex has a new boyfriend but I want her back. What now?

Maybe you saw it on Instagram. A photo at a restaurant, his arm around her, a caption that was trying a bit too hard. Maybe a mate told you, carefully, the way people do when they know it's going to hurt. Or maybe you found out from her, in a text that was polite and final.

However it reached you, it probably felt like being hit in the chest. Then your mind started racing. Who is he? How long has this been going on? Is it serious? Is it over for good?

This is one of the hardest moments in any breakup, and it's also where a lot of men do the things that close the door for good. So before anything else, here's the most important advice in this whole article.

Don't do anything today

Don't text her. Don't call. Don't look him up and message him. Don't post anything.

Whatever you send in the next 24 hours will come from shock and jealousy, and it'll read that way. Give yourself at least a few days before you decide anything. Go to the gym, see a friend, get out of the house. Put your phone somewhere you can't reach it from bed.

The pain is real, and it'll ease. Your best options are still there in a week. They may not be if you act tonight.

The mistakes that end your chances

These are the moves that feel satisfying for about ten minutes and then cost you everything.

Contacting him. Whether it's a threat, a warning or a "man to man" chat, it makes you look unstable, it pushes her toward protecting him, and it hands him a story to tell about you.

Slagging him off. To her, to her friends, to anyone who might pass it on. She chose him, at least for now, so criticizing him feels like criticizing her judgment.

Telling her he's wrong for her. Even if you're right, she has to work that out herself. Hearing it from you makes her defend him.

The jealousy campaign. Posting photos with other women, a sudden run of nights out, sad song lyrics. She'll see exactly what it is.

The ultimatum. "It's him or me" gives her an easy decision, and it won't be the one you want.

Turning up. At her flat, her work, the pub you know they go to. However it feels to you, to her and everyone else it looks like you can't let go.

Is it a rebound?

This is the question every man in your position asks, and the honest answer is that you can't know from the outside.

Some new relationships start quickly after a breakup because she's lonely, wants to feel wanted again, or is trying not to think about you. Those can fade once the distraction wears off. Others are real, and she's genuinely moved on.

A few things might suggest it started more as a distraction:

• It began very soon after you split.
• It's very public, very quickly, with lots of posting.
• Her friends seem surprised, or unsure about him.
• She still gets in touch with you, or asks mutual friends how you're doing.

But don't build your plan on reading tea leaves. You'll drive yourself mad analyzing her stories. What you can control is a much shorter list, and it's where your energy should go.

A few things might suggest it started more as a distraction:

What you can control

How she remembers you. If the last thing she saw was you pleading or angry, that's the picture in her head. Every day you stay calm and get on with your life, that picture changes. Silence after a breakup is hard to read, and it makes people wonder.

Who you're becoming. Use this time. Get fit, sort your sleep, see your mates, pick up the things you dropped while you were together. This is good for you whatever happens, and if she does look back over her shoulder, she'll see a man who's doing well, not one who's waiting for her.

Whether you're the calm option. New relationships go through rough patches. If that happens, she'll naturally compare. You want the comparison to be with someone steady, warm and easy to be around, not someone she's been avoiding.

Should you text her?

In most cases, not for a while, and longer than the usual 30 days. While she's in the early, exciting stage with him, a message from you is more likely to annoy her or make her feel guilty than to make her miss you. A period of no contact gives you both distance and gives the new relationship room to show what it really is.

I've written about how to do no contact properly, and why it fails for so many men, here: Does no contact work on women?

When you do eventually get in touch, the same rules apply as after any no contact. Keep it short and light, make it about something real between the two of you, and don't mention him at all. There are examples in my guide on what to text your ex after no contact.

What if she gets back in touch while she's with him?

It can happen. A "how are you?" out of nowhere. A message on your birthday. A question about something you left at hers.

You don't have to ignore her, and you don't have to jump either. Wait a few hours, then reply briefly, warmly and calmly. Don't ask about him, don't make a dig, and don't jump on it as a sign she's coming back. Let the conversation end on a good note rather than dragging it out.

There's one trap to watch for here. Sometimes an ex in a new relationship wants you as the person she can talk to when things with him are hard. It can feel like you're getting close again. Usually you're becoming the friend she vents to, while she goes home to him. If the conversations start to turn into her relationship problems, it's fine to be kind and keep it short. You're not her counselor, and staying in that role keeps you stuck.

And be straight with yourself and with her. Don't become a secret. If she wants to come back, she'll need to end things with him first, and that's her decision to make.

When to let it go

Sometimes, after months of doing everything right, she stays with him. That's painful, and it's also a real possibility you should be ready for.

If it happens, it doesn't mean the work was wasted. The man who stayed calm, got fit, rebuilt his social life and stopped chasing is in far better shape for whatever comes next, whether that's her or someone else. This stretch can be the point where your life starts getting better.

Where to start

Finding out she's with someone new doesn't have to be the end. But it does mean your next move has to be right, because there's less room for mistakes than there was before.

What that move is depends on your situation: how long you were together, how it ended, what you've already sent, how serious the new relationship looks, and whether she's still in contact with you.

If you'd like help working that out, Text Your X AI is built for exactly this. You tell it what happened, including the new guy, and upload screenshots of your messages. It gives you a personalized 7-word text, when to send it, and an Ex-Back Blueprint for your next move. It's $47, one payment, and the original Text Your X System book is included free. It's from the team behind the Text Your X System, which over 3,000 men have bought.

More help from Peak Masculine

• The Text Your X SystemThe original book, with the full plan for no contact and getting back in touch. It's included free with Text Your X AI.
• Erase HerIf you decide it's time to let her go and need help getting her out of your head.

For today, though, put the phone down. You'll think more clearly tomorrow.